Friday, October 29, 2010

Tomorrow Will Be Better

This morning I had what was probably the worst hour of parenting I've had in Lily's entire life.
It has been building up for a while, and I'm tired, really, really tired, both physically (Stella & Dot business is booming which is great, but I'm beat) and mentally (Lily is battling absolutely EVERYTHING. She cried hysterically today when I asked her to put her shoes and socks on so we could go get ice cream. Yes I know, I'm awful.) But back to this morning where I was really awful. She decided after weeks of talking about being a pink poodle for Halloween that she wanted to be a ballerina. (I cannot even go into this very much it's just too much to explain.) It wouldn't have been that big of a deal except that I went to a lot of trouble to order the costume twice so it was the right size and it was just the way she fusses and whines and screams about everything ... I lost it. I was ridiculous. Childish. Irrational. Mean. I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't even take a single picture of her, and she did look really sweet in her ballet outfit - the one I see her in every Wednesday, mind you. Poor Miss Patty had to call me and talk me down off the wall while I cried at 745 am. Poor Bill had to be the calm, rational one with Lily. Grunny, thank goodness, was here to keep Imogene together and entertained while I just could not deal with Anyone. Naney had to get my ranting text messages before she even left her house for work. Then thank goodness for Miss Patty and Miss Pam and Miss Carey, who put it all back together at school today. Lily did put the poodle costume on at some point (Pam sent me a picture. Carey gave us a great book to read this weekend. Patty made sure we were all okay.) Thank you to all of you who got me through today. I haven't cried much in a while, and today I've cried A LOT. Especially after I got the note that Lily wrote me at school. (Dictated to Pam.)
"Dear Mommy, I'm sorry about this morning and I love you. I'm going to put the poodle costume on right now. Love, Lily" It really was and wasn't about the costume. She wore it on Sunday to a party which I missed because I was working. It was about the costume in that sense. But really, it wasn't. It was just exhausted mommy from dealing with a very, very stubborn head-strong, smart child.

So after school I took my girls out to McDonald's to try and start over. What can't be fixed by Hi-C and processed meat? And fries of course. The ordering was a disaster. I just couldn't get it all to come out right to the lady at the register. I looked at Lily and said "Boy I'm having a rough day huh?" And she looks at the lady and says "We had a rough morning. The afternoon is going to be better." Yet again, I cried.

All the 4 year-olds at WWP are assessed in a brief screening for typical development type stuff. Sort of a "here's what you might want to watch for before kindergarten thing." It's a long story, but I was expecting to hear that Lily needed some work with writing/handedness/fine motor skills/can't write much more than her name/cannot trace many shapes/cannot draw a person at age-appropriate levels - just a few things. I was right. She needs an OT-evaluation (as opposed to the brief screening they did) and was recommended to get some short-term OT. I'm actually relieved. It's not a big deal at all. I mean really, of all people, we know how great OT can be. She might actually do better with some of the behavioral stuff. I've already called Amy, IBS's OT, and she'll do the evaluation as soon as she can. It's not a big deal at all. Especially after this conversation tonight while reading a book:
Lily: "what does creative mean?"
Me: "(thinking, thinking, thinking) when you take something that is really used for one thing, and use it for another." I gave her an example that didn't have to do with drawing or art - on purpose. Like how she comes up with crazy songs, or makes anything into drum sticks.
Lily: "Oh like when I am drawing I am creative. I am an artist."

Here come the tears again.


  1. xoxoxoxoxoxo lots and lots

    me, too

  2. i beg to differ. this was not awful parenting, this is normal. we all have breakdowns and typically they are about the most ridiculous things (like when my husband puts the mail on the wrong counter, for example, or throwing the coveted 'pink bowl' that both my children insist on having at the kitchen window because i just can't take one more whine about it). exhaustion brings out the worst in us at the most inopportune times, so just hang in there. you are wonderful at everything you do, you're just too hard on yourself. miss you.